Andy Griffith Dies at 86

According to reports, Andy Griffith has died at the age of 86. The Andy Griffith Show was one of the greatest black & white TV programs of all time. Thank you Sheriff Taylor.

Disney Princesses – Part 2

In continuation of last week’s article, I now give you Disney Princesses – Part 2 as indicated by the title above. This week we will take a look at the four remaining Disney Princesses and how they are poor role models for young girls and altogether bad for society as a whole.

06. Jasmine – Here we have a young girl who is constantly disobedient to her father (who is also sultan btw), who runs away from home on a regular basis, wears hammer pants, and rather than pursuing a relationship with an upstanding member of society (who just so happens to be rich, handsome and royalty), she decides to go for the ruffian punk kid who steals for a living and is commonly known as a “street rat.” By today’s standards, this degenerate would be accurately known as “drug dealer.” Since when is it okay to tell little girls they should aspire to marry a street rat when they grow up?

07. Pocahontas – The only of the Disney Princesses that is actually based on a historical character, Pocahontas is everything the real Pocahontas was not. The real Pocahontas was about 10 years old when she saved John Smith’s life, she did not know him prior to the encounter and never had any kind of ongoing relationship with him. She also did not worship talking trees and was baptized as a born again Christian after marrying John Rolfe in 1614. But I guess its okay to completely deface a historical figure and add fiction to his/her story if it means box office sales.

08. Mulan – Ah, the Chinese woman who looks like a man. So much like a man that her gender was never questioned throughout months in a military training encampment. The ultimate example of feminist role reversal, Mulan gives the audience the impression that all men are idiots and women are the best at fighting giant hulking Huns. If only the Huns had sent their women to invade China, then they would have won.

09. Tiana – Also not a real princess until she marries a frog, Tiana is an American living in New Orleans in 1912. Wearing a princess costume for a masquerade ball, Tiana is mistaken as a real princess by a frog who just happens to be a prince from a country that still has a monarchy. Since I have yet to see “The Princess and The Frog,” I will not comment further regarding the negative aspects of the film or its “princess.” If you have seen the movie, feel free to add input in the comments section.

Disney Princesses – Part 1

Disney has a tried and true method for developing many of their classic characters – A beautiful princess that goes through many a trial but ultimately ends up with a handsome prince charming. It’s a rubber stamp formula that is often cliché and repetitive, but it works. To quote the only animated film ever nominated for Best Picture: “If it’s not baroque, don’t fix it.”
But has anyone ever really taken a critical and admittedly cynical look into the lives of these Princesses? Little girls love them because they wear Drancy Fesses, women love them because they are “strong,” and guys love them because they are “hot” and “rich” (everything a man wants his woman to be). But what really lies under the skin deep beauty and initial appeal of these characters? Let’s analyze them, shall we?

01. Cinderella – Not really a princess at all except by marriage, this little girl is everything she is because of other people. She was a slave because of her step mother and sisters, she was made into a fake princess by her fairy god mother, she was rescued by her animal friends and she was made into a real princess by the prince. Basically Cinderella doesn’t even really exist except as a shell entity that is swayed and moved by whichever way the proverbial wind is blowing.

02. Snow White – Allegedly the fairest maiden in the land, Snow White obviously lived in a land where standards for feminine beauty were extremely low. With her pale white skin and plain features, Snow looks like one who has some kind of unshakable disease. Based on her general attitude and the fact that she eats poisoned fruit received from an obviously shady old woman, it is clear that Snow is not the brightest bulb on the strand.

03. Aurora – Also known as Sleeping Beauty, this princess was given an unfair advantage at birth. Bestowed with super human beauty and singing skills by the fairies Flora and Fauna, has no one realized how superficial these gifts are? What good would beauty and singing do the kingdom if Aurora had turned out to be pure evil? How about something like ‘the gift of wisdom’ or ‘the gift of purity’? I guess the scale of what makes a good princess is measured only by how she looks and sounds.

04. Belle – Belle is a clearly disturbed small town girl who falls in love with a creature of another species. Enough said.
05. Ariel – Filled with teen angst, this half fish girl strives to be something she’s not…a woman. This is displayed by Ariel’s constant rebellion to her authorities, her whiny sel-fish (ha!) attitude and the fact that she’s half fish.

To be continued…

PSA: The Moon

Have you ever looked longingly up at the moon and marveled at its majestic majesty? The moon and its reflective properties bring feelings of comfort and awe to all who look upon its elegant lunar beauty…but looks can be deceiving.
As has been confirmed by fuzzy handheld video footage time and time again, the moon has unleashed a plague on humanity for decades. Whole herds of livestock and countless humans have fallen victim to the terrors known as werewolves. So feared and horrible are these creatures of myth that we make motion pictures that portray them as ruggedly handsome vampire killing heroes – just so the teenage girls of society can sleep at night.

But now, NASA has a plan to eradicate all werewolf infestations everywhere by attacking them at their weakest point and the source of their mutation, the moon. On Friday, October 9, 2009 NASA rammed an unmanned spacecraft and its sensing satellite into the lunar surface at 6,000 miles per hour. This was simply a training exercise for launching a full scale nuclear assault on our planet’s night light.
Join the cause, send your support to NASA and help us rid the earth of the werewolf once and for all. The moon must be destroyed, only then can we find peace, security and be forever rid of the Twilight Saga.
This has been a Stewart Adams Project Public Service Announcement. To learn more information on NASA’s attempt to blow up the moon, visit the internet.

Love and Atomic Bonding

Relationships can be categorized metaphorically by using the 3 methods of atomic bonding that exist in nature. Sure, it’s extremely geeky and uber science-esque but helpful and factual none-the-less. There is a reason why they call the way humans interact romantically, chemistry.

Atomic Bonding #1 – Covalent Bonding

This is the type of bonding where two or more atoms are brought together by a sharing of their valence electrons. By filling in gaps in their atomic charges, each atom becomes more stable and therefore develops a strong link to the other. One atom’s lack of electrons is balanced out by the other’s abundance of them – the positive and negative charges find equilibrium and both atoms benefit from what could be termed a symbiotic relationship…if only atoms where actually alive. This is an example of a pure, efficient and working relationship. Both individuals are wholly intact and the strengths of each compliment the other to form an intimate oneness and a mutual benefit to both. Neither attempts to change the other, they are simply perfect for each other and were obviously created for that purpose.

Real life examples: …

Atomic Bonding #2 – Ionic Bonding

With Ionic bonding, atoms with strong charges bond with other atoms by gaining and losing their valence electrons. For example, atom #1 has 7 valance electrons and meets up with an atom that has only one. The first atom has a much stronger pull and so it takes the electron from atom #2. By doing this the first atom becomes negatively charged (since it just acquired a negatively charged particle) and consequently, the second becomes positively charged (since it just lost a negatively charged particle). The two opposite charges are then attracted to each other (see basic magnetism) and the bond is complete. In this case, individual A must first change something about individual B, before the attraction can be made. This is often a very painful process and can take years to perfect if two people are stubborn enough. In other cases, a person gladly gives up a part of themselves for the good of the relationship.

Real life examples: 97.45% of all romantic relationships.

Atomic Bonding #3 – Metallic Bonding

Metallic bonding is often referred to a sharing of free electrons in an electron sea. Basically some metals bond to other metals simply because they are there. Often metals are bonded by external means such as hammering and intense heat. This type of bonding occurs when two people are together and there is no one else around. This is why every time a man and woman are stranded on a deserted island together, they always fall in love even if they hate each other in the beginning. Pain and beatings (like fire and hammering) tend to speed this bond and the more persecution there is, the more in love the couple will fall.

Real life examples: Beauty and the Beast, Petruchio and Katherina , Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’hara, Shrek and Fiona, etc.

Mindless Mindless Mindless Repetition

The following is a critical dissection of the pop song “I Gotta Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas. This particular tune is currently being vastly overplayed on Top 40 radio stations across the country and has confirmed beyond all reasonable doubt that song writing and music as an art form have all but vanished into the dark abyss of mindless repetition. Some of the lyrics have been softened so as not to seem crass or offend any of our younger readers, after all this is a family website.

Black Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Feeling”

Chorus:

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling, woohoo, that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling, woohoo, that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night

V. 1

Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like oh my gosh
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get off

I know that we’ll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just loose it all
I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And losing all control

Fill up my cup
Mozoltov
Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again

Let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it
And do it and do it, let’s live it up
And do it and do it and do it, do it, do it
Let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it.

Chorus

V. 2 – Repeat V. 1, No joke.

V. 3 – Which is really more like a bridge with key and tempo changes so that the listener can hurry up and get back to the meat of the song…the chorus.

Let’s live it up
Lets do it…
Here we come
Here we go
We gotta rock (Rock rock rock rock)
Easy come
Easy go
Now we on top (Top top top top)
Feel the shot
Rock it, don’t stop (Stop stop stop stop) – Um, yes please?
Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock

Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, and Thursday
Friday, Saturday
Saturday to Sunday – Nothing like randomly throwing the days of the week into a song…this is top notch lyric writing, people.

Get get get get get with us
You know what we say
Party every day
Pa-pa-pa-party every day

Chorus (x2)

Conclusion:

Just because you put the word ‘good’ in a song 32 hundred times that doesn’t mean the song inherits the meaning of the repeated word.

Real Ultimate Power

Fact: Gila Monsters are awesome, and by awesome I mean ‘totally sweet.’ This blog post is all about REAL GILA MONSTERS. This blog post is awesome. My Name is Stewart and I can’t stop thinking about Gila Monsters. These guys are so cool, and by cool I mean totally sweet.

Facts:

01. Gila Monsters are reptiles.

02. Gila Monsters fight ALL the time.


03. The purpose of the Gila Monster is to flip out and kill people.

Testimonial: “Gilas can kill anyone they want! Gila Monsters cut people ALL the time and don’t even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this Gila Monster who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the Gila Monster killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a Gila Monster totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.

And that’s what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t believe that Gila Monsters have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will chop your toe off!!! It’s an easy choice, if you ask me.

Gila Monsters are sooooooooooo sweet that I can’t believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that’s a fact. Gila Monsters are fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can’t wait to start yoga next year. I love ninjas with all of my body.”

Q and A:

Q: Why is everyone so obsessed about Gila Monsters?
A: Gila Monsters are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they don’t give a flip, but on the other hand, Gila Monsters are very careful and precise.

Q: I heard that Gila Monsters are always cruel or mean. What’s their problem?
A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other reptiles, Gila Monsters can be mean OR totally awesome.

Q: What do Gila Monsters do when they’re not cutting off toes or flipping out?
A: Most of their free time is spent flying, but sometime they stab. (Ask Mark if you don’t believe me.)

Warning:

If you see, hear, smell, taste or feel a Gila Monster anywhere near you, run away as fast as you possibly can. You never know what might trigger a Gila Monster to flip out so the best defense against them is to be as far from them as possible…not that it will really matter. Did I mention that Gila Monsters are totally sweet?

Facing The Boss

One day Henry McLeroy decided to go out on a limb. Shaky and unstable, the limb was teetering on the edge of civilized humanitarian interaction and plummeting disaster, destruction and death. Loosening his necktie, Henry stared into his boss's eyes as he reasoned the situation out in his head and attempted to weigh the pros and cons of the decision he had already made, but had not yet implemented. Slowly and methodically, Henry inched his way along the limb, furthering himself from the stability of the safe tree trunk of silence and introvertedness. He knew he was going to do it, yet despite his mental resolve he has not yet taken that leap of faith and gone for it. Sure the risk was tremendous, and even if he accomplished his goal there was no guarantee of success but that did not matter to Henry.

With a long stride Henry stepped out toward the skinny end of the limb and let go completely of the truck, for a moment he balanced there as if weightless, in perfect equilibrium. YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Henry yelled at the top of his lungs til all the air he could hold was depleted. The boss stared at Henry for a second, then all at once the limb Henry stood on shattered into millions of splintering splinters. Henry felt the gravity of his dire situation grab him and yank downward as despair filled his heart. The boss removed a flaming sword from his belt and left Henry's avatar in a smoldering heap at the base of his TV screen. Henry sighed and put down his controller. He would have to fight another day, his mom had the bagel pizza bites ready in the oven.

Rabbit Trails

I was fully prepared for what didn't happen. My focus and attention where moving in harmony with one another as if dancing to a legato waltz in the key of A. As my readiness level reached its maximum I contemplated the existence of a scale for measuring such levels in humans. Clearly there would be outside factors that would affect the scale; adrenaline, bodily functions, external objects or forces, etc. Catching myself, I realized that my thinking about the scale had in turn lowered my attentions to the task at hand by distracting my mind. 

I then added branches to the scale chart in my mind that were meant to represent the rabbit trails of human thought not unlike the one I had just experienced. This further confirmed my idea as I noticed that once again my thoughts had turned away from my goal and toward a mental tangent about mental tangents. Re-focusing my focus I attempted to block all outside stimuli from my brain only to realize that the main source of distraction was in my brain itself. My thoughts visualized a long tunnel I assumed to be a representation of tunnel vision and all the implications therein. If only there was a way for me to generate precise, directed tunnel vision toward the thing which my subconscious knew to be the priority. 

My conscious seemed to be bored with that objective and was resisting with all its might to find something else to dwell on. In that moment I realized that the task I was attempting to perform was not something that I wanted to do, but rather something I needed to do. The distinction came as a stark contrast that was shocking even to me as the truth of the situation became known. Had I just not been being honest with myself? Or had desire to do what I should overshadowed the desire to do what I want? Suddenly, a lady walked in to the classroom and said "Professor Brock is sick at home and will not be coming in. Exam day had been cancelled."

Labor Day

Next week marks the unofficial end of the Summer as it will be the fist Monday of September also known as Labor Day. You can almost smell the irony when a country decides to celebrate labor by taking a day off. Of course isn't that what labor unions are best at doing anyway? Oh yes, I just went there.

Look at the Major League Baseball Player Union strike that happened a few years back. You had players making millions of dollars per year to play a game, and yet they refuse to work until they get more. The reality is that these players didn't really need the money, they just didn't feel like going to work so the used the strike as a means to get some time off.

The truth about Labor day however is the lesser-known fact that more pregnant women go into labor on Labor day than any other day of the year. There is no real scientific explanation for this phenomenon but it has been confirmed time and time again by statistical observation, verified by millions of women around the planet and generally made up by this blog. The holiday was later named for the labor unions by feminists who felt that having a day devoted to honoring women in labor was degrading and reminded society that women are different from men.

So enjoy your day off and know that you are benefitting from one of the greatest holiday contradictions in calendar history.

Banana Theory

The average person consumes a total of 750 bananas in their lifetime. This statistic may be slightly skewed due to the fact that I have no idea how many bananas the average person consumes in their lifetime. However, in developing this statistic by simply pulling a random number out of the air, I have not made an outright fabrication of the facts. After all, it is 100% plausible that the number I picked is the correct one though it is not very likely since it is only a single number out of the vast, all-encompassing quantity of numbers commonly known as infinity.

But then, we may refine our sample size from infinity to something more manageable by determining how many bananas are produced on the earth in a given year. Obviously, humanity can't eat more bananas than can be grown, so now were dealing with an infinitely smaller pool of possibilities for our average - yet there is still a hang up with developing a useful solution.

What we've run into now is not a question of probability and calculation but rather a lack of man power. It is highly improbable (though not impossible) that every banana on the earth could be accounted for, even if all of humanity devoted itself wholeheartedly to that chief end alone. There are too many places on earth where bananas could hide. Even if we actually accomplished the improbable and found them all, we would never know it because we would have to continually search and question our results. The same would apply to the other variable in this equation; humans. There is no way to monitor the banana eating habits of the entire population of the world and thus no way to establish an average. People have different life spans too, in case you didn't know that.

So, this all leaves us still with the unanswered burning question of how many bananas the average person eats in their lifetime. My guess of 750 is strictly based on a number that popped into my head once I realized that there was no way to measure these statistics with any certainty of their accuracy. There used to be a word for this, it was called a theory. However these days, if I were to present this idea in book form, and the scientific community accepted it as scientific fact; suddenly the fact that I have no empirical, consequential, or anything-else-ical evidence for my claim becomes irrelevant to the point. I am touted as a genius and my idea goes into text books across America so that the next generation can benefit from my superior intellect. Even when I renounce my own claim, citing that it is 'theory based on blind guess' the scientists suddenly do not pay attention.

Fact: Bananas contain high amounts of Potassium (K) and are for all intents and purposes, banana-shaped.

Theory: The average human consumes 750 bananas in their lifetime.

Myth: Banana peels cause people to slip and fall.

In the words of Bill Nye: Science Rules. (not scientists.)

The Moat of Relational Distraction

There is an unyielding, unshakable truth pertaining to relationships whose repeated failure of understanding has led to an extremely high divorce rate. This truth may be summed up by stating that men are inherently bad and women are equally evil. If this were not so, the visualization of the metaphor I am about to present would not exist due to the fact that people would be non-evil and thus unable to perform acts of evil upon those they have relationships with.

Imagine an enormous castle, its siege towers towering and its draw bridge bridging. Its stacked stone design is both intimidating and beautiful with ornate archways and columns littering its overall architecture. The castle is surrounded on all sides by a moat, a ring of watery protection that forces a single entrance via draw bridge only.

Just then we see a young couple walking hand in hand down the pebble path toward the castle. They are obviously in love and in the flower of their youth. The young man is brave and handsome with excellent posture while the beauty of his beloved is unmatched in all the kingdom. The lady's flowing hair glides in the autumn breeze. The couple are on their way to a royal ball and are dressed in the finest of linens.

As the two love birds approach the draw bridge the young man is suddenly enamored by the sight of the moat. It was after all a rather awesome moat, complete with snakes, crocodiles and a beach full of perfect skipping stones. As a means of impressing his fairest love, the man picked up a stone and skipped it off the surface of the water until it found a resting place against the wall of the castle on the other side of the moat. The young woman clapped and cheered for her man's feat of skill which urged the man on to escalate his performance. Soon, the man is singing and dancing whilst throwing rocks at a sleeping crocodile. The woman holds her waist as she laughs to near tears at her love's silly antics.

Boom! In a flash the two people became silent and still as they looked at the now raised draw bridge. They had missed their chance and were now locked out from the royal ball. The young woman's face turned from a smile to a frown, she threw her pointy hat on the ground and pushed the man backwards. Realizing that he is about to fall, the man reached out grasping at anything he can get his hands on. He finds hold on the womans left ear but the pain causes her to give in to his tug and the two people topple into the murky water.

The crocodile that the man had pelted with rocks earlier lurched toward the struggling pair with its jaws snapping. The lovers saw it and immediately started swimming in opposite directions with all haste. The man swum toward the north end of the castle while the woman dog paddled in her dress toward the south end. With each stroke the distance between the two increased until they could no longer see each other due to the curve of the moat. In that moment, the man was yanked under the surface never to be seen again. On the other side of the castle a second crocodile that had not been part of the initial escape calculations overtook the young woman. Her satin slipper is all that was ever found.

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Henry Peterman sat on his mother's kitchen stool all alone. His chubby fingers clutching at the cushioned seat and his feet dangling in legato movements though the small volume of atmosphere he was currently inhabiting. Shut out from the world and everything around him, Henry was not even conscious of the loud siren blaring in the distance down the street from his house let along the maelstrom of violence his moving legs were imposing on the Oxygen and Nitrogen molecules that surrounded him.

If Henry's mind could be photographed at this moment, we would see pure blackness contrasted only by a rectangle of colors and light at the center of the frame. Each subsequent photo taken would be exactly the same in that respect and yet different somehow as though the contents of the quadrilateral shape were in motion. Accompanying this image would be the sound of a low whirr and an unending gargle of bubbles garnished with the gentle flow of water.

Henry had no concept of time in this state and was completely unaware that he had been in this trance for over 3 hours. All at once Henry was rushed back to reality as his mother walked through the door. All the blackness in his mind was quickly replaced by the walls of the kitchen and his feet found the floor as he slid off the bar stool. Turning around still slightly shocked from the travel between realities, Henry looked at his mother. "Henry" she said. "Come away from the aquarium and help me carry in the groceries." Henry obeyed without a word and walked out to the car. Just then, something in the glass fish tank caught Mrs. Peterman's eye. Leaning in to get a better look she let out a shrill scream that Henry heard from the garage. Running to aid her, Henry found Mrs. Peterman lying on the kitchen floor soaked with aquarium water and surrounded by blue pebbles, plastic plants, and hundreds of perfectly cut 1/2 inch squares of glass. The 24 pet fish were nowhere to be found.

Die It.

Lets face it. Food is good. Though there are a few particular food products that do not appeal to me personally, on the whole, food is generally a pleasure to partake of. I've never met a human who didn't enjoy some type of food at some point in their lifetime (<- not a plug for the cable channel). Because we as people have determined that we like food, it has created an enormous market with an unending supply of demand (see what I did there?). The more people eat, the more our supply is used up and therefore our demand for food increases as a direct result of food becoming more scarce...because we ate it.

Food is like entertainment, it isn't necessary to sustain life but does bring enjoyment and happiness to a person. Sure, it's easier and cheaper to just have everyone eating their meals through an I.V. you could control obesity and make sure that everyone got the nutrients that their body needs. Productivity would increase since everyone would have at least an extra 3 hours a day (more for chefs and housewives) that they aren't spending to sit down and eat or prepare food. Animal rights organizations such as PETA would have to do extreme downsizing if not shut down completely. Hunting would become a civil duty to keep animal populations down and everyones teeth would be much healthier. Homeless people would never go hungry since the government will be able to supply everyone with I.V.s using all the money they save from not paying for food. As a result of not eating food, peoples' other senses would become more acute and powerful to compensate for losing the sense of taste. We'd be able to see better, smell better, touch/feel better, and hear better. Kitchens would become unneeded as would expensive appliances and cooking equipment, every house in America would suddenly have an extra room.

Actually, this is starting to sound pretty good

Eliminate food and you eliminate poverty, sickness, and the need for taste buds. This new I.V. diet will be called The Carpe Seizure Cool People Eating Habit of Awesomeness and Strength or the IV Diet for short. The only downside is that billions of jobs would be lost and if you woke up in the middle of the night craving a ham and cheese sandwich, tough luck. I can live with that.

Internet Etiquette

When we were all little kids we experienced the transition between babyhood (which includes infancy, toddlerness) into that phase of actually becoming a humanoid member of society. By this time our skills have increased greatly as we now know how to walk, talk and control our bodily functions…or at least some of us do. Having now reached this benchmark in our social and personal development, we begin to take on more and more responsibility in our place of residence. We are now required to use those walking skills to carry our dinner plates to the counter, use our new communication skills to say “Please” and “Thank you,” and can no longer get away with burping and spitting up after every meal…that is, unless your mom served Mr. Pibb at every meal – then it’s understandable.

If you’re like most kids at this age, you seem to be consumed by curiosity and the ‘wonder of it all.’ This manifests itself in a variety of ways such as the time when you first learned why you’re not supposed to touch a hot stove no matter how pretty it is, or when you first decided to eat dirt. In addition to the violent, dangerous and just outright gross things…we are also curious in regard to the regular day to day things we see our parents doing everyday on a day to day basis. At that age, no matter who we are, Daddy and Mommy are our heroes and we try to emulate everything they do in order to carbon copy their hero-esque qualities onto our own sense of being. So it is bound to happen that on some random day, the telephone happens to be sitting near you when it rings. Instinctively, you pick the phone up and answer it just as you’ve seen your mom do – “hewwo?” Then suddenly someone is talking to you, in rapid bursts of language they ask lots of questions yet there’s no one in the room. Dazed and confused you lock up and don’t speak another word, eventually setting the phone down while the voice continues jabbering. An hour or so later your Mom realizes that the phone has been off the hook and that call she was expecting has come and gone…several times. At this point your Mother decides to teach you telephone etiquette which entails how to speak clearing into the handset, take messages, leave messages and above all, say “Sir” and “Ma’am” based on our ability to recognize a person’s gender by their voice alone.

I say all this just to bring up the point of today’s modern communication medium, particularly online chat and email. It seems that the etiquette and respect we were taught to use when talking on the phone has not translated into the new medium, at all. I understand this could be because e-comm is still very young and standards for what is acceptable have not yet been determined. But it is also entirely possible that mass humanity has become less courteous in the realm of online correspondence due to the downward spiral of societal ‘giving a flip.’ So in order to help us remember what our Mom’s taught us about the telephone and apply it to email and instant messaging, I have complied a list of internet etiquette guidelines (which are really more like hard and fast rules of code and anyone found not abiding by them will be subject to the pangs of torture and humiliation) and general good advice when totting about the inter-web.

01. Use a real language, with proper grammar, punctuation and capitalization.
02. Use a language that the receiver understands.
03. When instant messaging, always provide links rather than saying “go check out this article in this section of the such and such website,” That statement tells the receiver nothing except that you don’t know how to use hyperlinks.
04. When forwarding a message, always delete all the previous email transaction text at the top of the page. Forwards get a bad rap because it takes 10 minutes to dig through and find whatever it is you actually wanted to send me.
05. ‘Reply to All’ is not always appropriate…there are some things I don’t want to know.
06. All caps and red text are to be used sparingly; basically only if you are selling something or are really angry.
07. One exclamation point is sufficient!! Trust me! You don’t! have to make people think you’re wired on caffeine all the time!!!!
08. Abbreviations are acceptable as long as they are not over used and as long as you’re not lying in using them…when has anyone ever actually been Rolling On The Floor Laughing?
09. Make good use of blind carbon copying, it allows your friends to spy on your correspondence without the recipient knowing about it.
10. There is no real winner in a poking war…
11. Humans who only use dial-up are people too.
12. Chatting via mobile merits the user at least 10% more forgiveness to misspellings and grammatical errors.
13. Just because you get an email with “I love you” in the subject line and an attachment that is an .exe file named ‘I’m a dangerous virus bent on devouring and corrupting your computer’s saved data and vital systems” doesn’t mean you’ve received a virus.
14. It is possible for Spammers to lie, just because you receive a message with the subject line: “Angelina Jolie dies in miscarriage” or “Police open fire on elderly in Iowa, want better pay” you aren’t required to open it.

Try these out and let me know how it goes…if you have more to add to the list please include them in the comments section.

Habitual Creatures of Habit

Sometimes in life we sit wondering what will happen next. These wonderings often are derived from life changing decisions such as whether or not to adopt seven Korean children. But our minds are also affected by the mundane snap decisions that we don’t even consciously think about, such as what letter will start your next sentence. In many ways, these rushed choices made while we’re ‘thinking on our feet’ tell us more about ourselves than the huge major important ones. What we do and how we behave under pressure reveals the inner ‘we’ even if it’s a simple matter of deciding between paper or plastic at the grocery store.
Imagine if you will that you are standing in line to order at a fast food restaurant and there is a line of about 30 grumbling construction workers behind you when you step up to order. In this case your mind tells you that you need to hurry up because they’ve already been waiting for 15 minutes. In the rush of it all, you make a quick decision about what you want to eat without even considering if that’s what you really want to eat. So the question is, why is it that we don’t find ourselves constantly sitting down with our food and thinking “why did I order this?” The answer is we are habitual creatures of habit.

In most cases, you have eaten at the same restaurant before and have ordered the same meal before. So by forming a habit, we as humans can remove the thinking process in order to simplify our lives. In this way, we are spared the risk of making bad decisions because we’ve already thought them out and found success with them in the past. We simply repeated the same “good” decision over and over again and thus a habit is formed. Why fix what isn’t broken, right?

Well, there are also some negative sides to this habit thing. First of all, it retards exercise of the human thought process. Sure, it’s nice to not have to think about anything, but what is the overall affect on society? Are we systematically training ourselves to become dumber? Secondly, the incessant habit former stifles creativity by constantly doing the same things. Sure, deviating from the status quo is unfamiliar and scary but being creative requires us to take those risks and very often the rewards are infinite.

So be creative and break a habit this week, variety is the spice of life…so spice it up! Post your death-to-monotony stories in the comments section.

Fantasy World

We as humanoids have always had an aspect of imagination in our minds’ eye that both dwells on and longs for all things contained within the realm of the fantastic, much like this sentence. We are ever striving to create a world of our own fashioning wherein we can sculpt and manipulate everything in it however we wish. This inner desire shared by humans could be explained by our inherent selfishness and humanistic perspective that fancies us as gods. Or it could simply be an outlet for creativity with which we entertain ourselves and others by mentally breaching the boundaries of the possible to explore that which is impossible.

So what would my fantasy world look like? In many ways it would be very similar to our own world and our time with a few hundred subtle differences. I won’t take the time to mention all of them but will attempt to sum up the overall feel of the world that is planet Stewart.

01. Dinosaurs would still be alive and would be hunted like deer, ridden like horses, and put in captivity in zoos.
02. Mosquitoes would be the size of basketballs and would be hunted to near extinction and no one would pity them.
03. Trees would always grow with convenient limb placement for easy climbing as well as universal cup holders.
04. Mr. Pibb would still exist but only to showcase the supreme might of Dr Pepper, no one would actually drink it.
05. I would be able to fly.
06. Lightsabers and assault rifles would be the customary 8th birthday present.
07. Instead of $1 per tooth, the tooth fairy is more like a tooth dragon and gives kids bags of loose diamonds that come out its nose.
08. Texas would have a purpose.
09. Pizza plants would be grown as the main crop in Australia.
10. Ligers would be bred for their skills in magic.
11. At any given moment, the world as we see it could be changed to an 8-bit graphical interface with 8-bit internal PC speaker sound. We could then throw fire boogers at each other after eating a magical flower.
12. Frisbee golf discs would have homing devices.
13. The Atlanta Braves would only have 15 players on the disabled list…I know, impossible right?

So there you have it, just a few things I would want in the fantastic land I created …in my mind. Would you want to live there? What are your own fantasy worlds be like?

Independence Day 2008

This Friday marks the 231st birthday of the Untied States of America and to celebrate this occasion I will provide a brief time line of the dates and events that have made this country what is is today. May we never forget the past so as not to make the same mistakes in the future.

1763 – British military officers sang “Yankee Doodle Dandy” to shame the disheveled, disorganized colonial “Yankees” in the French and Indian War. This backfired however when colonists sang it in mockery after defeating the Lobster backs in the US revolution. The song was used once again by confederate soldiers during the war of northern aggression.

July 3, 1776 – The draft of the Declaration of Independence was finished.

July 4, 1776 – The Declaration was adopted and signed by the Second Continental Congress as well as Forest Gump’s Great Great Grandfather…Woodedglenn Gump. The names Woody and Glenn were derived from his first name as a way to honor his memory – the name Woodedglenn was retired in the same manner a basketball jersey might be.

1776-1783 – The British invade the newly independent U.S. but are thwarted by Mel Gibson and his tomahawk throwing skills. The french eventually show up after most of the fighting is over and attempt to take credit for defeat of Charles Cornwallis at Yorktown (aka Old York).

December 25, 1896 – John Philip Sousa composed “Stars and Stripes Forever” which later became the official march of the USA and required memorization in high school band rehearsals everywhere. The march had the power to inject strong emotion in those who heard it therefore paving the way for Rock ‘N Roll.

July 4, 1996 – As President, Bill Pullman recruits the talents of a drunk crop duster to fight against the threat of extermination imposed by an unnamed alien fleet that has invaded earth and is destroying her cities.

November 19, 2004 – The Declaration of Independence was stolen by Nicholas Cage using the surname Benjamin Gates in an expansive government conspiracy to prove that the free masons did more than just play bingo and drink beer.

As you can see, we as Americans have a rich heritage of violence, theft, and loud noises. Be an American this July 4 and celebrate by blowing stuff up with fire and creating booming sounds that jolt the continental shelf.

Mono v. Mono

Throughout our lives there are specific battles that each of us participate in as both a means of self defense as well as out right preemptive violent aggression. These battles are hard-fought epic scale smack down sessions that typically result in both parties being permanently scarred and mangled with the loser either being utterly destroyed or put into a vegetative state until the sequel. In some cases, the villain finds redemption and thus avoids destruction when out-matched by the hero. Conversely, when the hero becomes the loser, he may defect his heroism and accept villainy in order to be spared the aforementioned destruction. In these cases, the villain usually destroys the hero anyway because he’s pure evil and relishes the fact that the hero compromised everything he’d been fighting for, for nothing.

So who are these heroes and villains? As a means of example, I will list some of the greatest most epic mono v. mono fighting match ups in history – you will have to decide who the heroes and villains are and who the winners and losers are.

01. Scorpion vs. Tarantula
02. Godzilla vs. King Kong
03. Bottle-nosed Dolphin vs. Great White Shark
04. Louis Pasteur vs. Rabies
05. Mario vs. Sonic
06. Seth Green vs. Chris Crocker
07. Thomas Edison vs. Darkness
08. Dunder-Mifflin vs. Trees
09. Norman Bates vs. Norman Bates
10. King Cobra vs. Mongoose
11. Henry Ford vs. Horses
12. Johnny Storm vs. Bobby Drake
13. Alexander Graham Bell vs. Carrier Pigeons
14. Charmander vs. Squirtle
15. Paper vs. Plastic
16. Captain Planet vs. Halliburton

Epic battles indeed, but not all wars have such pomp and circus-dance…we all have personal wars that we struggle with, sometimes on a daily basis. For me, it seems it will always be Stewart vs. Mr. Pibb until that fateful day when Dr. Pepper reigns supreme over the entire carbonated beverage universe. Until such time, I will press on – taking the punches as they come and fighting back with all the passion and angst I can muster.

Tips on Tips

In today’s culture it has become normal for human beings to be expected…nay, required to pay a tip to restaurant servers in addition to the cost of the meal regardless of their performance in executing their services.

The word ‘Gratuity’ is cited on Dictionary.com as meaning:

1. A gift of money, over and above payment due for service, as to a waiter or bellhop; tip.
2. Something given without claim or demand.

Isn’t it interesting to know that when “gratuity” is added to the check because of the size of your group, it immediately ceases to be gratuity? Rather it becomes a “you require a larger table” tax, but restaurants misuse the former because it sounds nicer. From a customer’s stand point they are bringing business to the eatery by inviting their friends who will no doubt all buy something…yet, rather than a group discount we receive an overpopulation tax by being required to pay a predetermined tip regardless of the quality of service.

Now, what merits a legitimate tip then? If a server is polite, doesn’t interrupt, keeps everyone’s glasses full, keeps the all-you-can-eat dishes coming, brings the food quickly, as ordered and hot, always gives correct change, doesn’t ramble on about nobody knows what….then he or she is likely deserving of a tip. Remember, tips are over and above and are a means of rewarding hard work – if a server does a good job, you should tip them…but only then. If the service is bad and they are tipped anyway, what motivation do they have to do better next time? It’s like every aspect of our society’s tipping philosophy is about rewarding mediocrity and getting free hand outs without earning them. This not only destroys people’s drive to excel but also creates a dependence on hand-outs.

So, what if it’s not the server’s fault such as when a cook is being slow or not thorough? I see the two as one in the same. The server still represents the restaurant and if they are missing out on tips because of the cook, they should take it up with management. If the server gets tipped anyway because “it’s not their fault” then the status quo is maintained and the cook will continue to be slow or un-thorough the next time you come to eat there.

I hear this argument a lot: “servers can’t make ends meat on the minimum wage that the restaurant pays and they rely on tips for their livelihood.” Obviously restaurants have realized that many people tip regardless of service so they can get away with paying servers as little as possible. The truth is, no one forced you to take the job and no one is forcing you to stay at the job. If you can’t live off what you’re paid get a new job or lower your cost of living. This goes for any realm of employment not just food services. If people would stop tipping for no reason, servers would require more money and the restaurants will have to pay whatever the market will bear. As long as we the customer pay the stupidity tax, restaurants will let us fit the bill.

Now what about gratuity amounts? Social standards are to tip 10%-25% of whatever your bill was…What kind of messed up system is that? Using percentages? “Hmm, let’s look at the menu…hamburger $9.95……ribs $19.95….both come on one plate…both require one trip from the kitchen to my table – the server does the exact same amount of work regardless of what I order…yet, if I get the ribs I will pay twice the amount of gratuity than if I get the hamburger…” As you can see from this scenario, using percentages is a ridiculous way to calculate tips. If anything the higher my bill is, the better my discount should be because I am bringing much more business to the restaurant. So what should be done then? If you ask me, the standard for tips should be determined on a case by case, dollar by dollar basis determined solely by the customer’s overall experience in the subject establishment.

From an internal point of view, many restaurants require their servers to pool their tips and divide them equally among the other servers. The thinking behind this was to make it fair for those who may not have gotten a table with as many people or just not as high a tab. Again, here we go with rewarding mediocre service by allowing servers to slack off and let one of their fellow servers make their tips for them. If I do a really great job serving and get a really nice tip, I deserve that tip because I earned it and it shouldn’t be taken from me and given to a server who didn’t do such a great job. In the same way, if I have a great experience and the service is amazing, I want my tip to go to the person who served me and created that experience by going over and above the status quo. Sharing tips is simply practical communism masked in the disguise of fairness.

Where does it end? If gratuity is to be expected, then it is no longer gratuity. Will corporations start paying their computer programmers next to nothing and let the software consumers cover the rest of their payroll by tipping? This may sound ridiculous but that’s not to say that it could never happen. If people like you and me are willing to pay “over and above” for services that are “under and below” there’s no telling what else we might pay for.

In closing, I am not saying you should never tip…quite the contrary, tip as often as you can. There are many servers who are great at what they do and work hard to earn that reward and I don’t want to take anything away from those people. Give gratuity where gratuity is due and not where it is unwarranted. If you received crappy service, the server should expect to be compensated accordingly and hopefully they will strive to improve should you ever come back to their restaurant.