Wednesday, February 27, 2008

For The Leaplings

This one goes out to all the poor babies who will be born this coming Friday…February 29. Which is by all known standards and belief systems considered the absolute worst day in the history of time to be born on. Having only three actual birthdays by the age of twelve is the kind of thing that will warp a kid to the point of unscrupulous derangement followed by a 24 hour period of magical normalcy that reoccurs once every four years.

It is a scientifically proven fact that infants born on Feb. 29 are 13.54% more likely to have additional limbs, misplaced clavicles, and be abducted by aliens. In very rare cases, “leaplings” develop super human powers such as radioactive fingernails and the ability to spontaneously generate piles of tin measuring cups out of thin air. Though these powers would prove very useful to the human race…and housewives, is it really worth the risk?

So for all you leaplings out there, I wish you a joyous and enchanted February 29…my hope and dream is that each and every one of you enjoy your birthday this Friday as if it wasn’t going to happen for another four years…because it isn’t.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Singles Awareness Day

As you all know, today is Singles Awareness Day…possibly the greatest occasion in the history of made up holidays (except perhaps, International Talk Like a Pirate Day). And it just so happens that S.A.D. falls on a Thursday this year and that in itself is cause for celebration – by the way, if you don’t like the acronym “SAD” you can just use “SA Day” which in essence really stands for Stewart Adams Day and is all part of my plan for world domination.

Growing up, SAD was always a source of laughter and giddiness for me…from the tons of spam emails advertising “Light a spark in your love life this Valentine’s Day!” – to Joey giving himself a gift and love note complete with lip imprint, just to throw everybody off. Don’t let these moments pass you by, come celebrate the magic of Singles Awareness Day. There are bound to be other people with which to mix and mingle who have the ‘single’ most important thing in common with you on this joyous holiday. Oh, and there will also be people who are weird and not single but celebrate SAD anyway…

No telling what kind of craziness we’ll get into…activities may or may not include:
01. Spin the bottle – and slap the person it points to.
02. 1 person Twister.
03. The game of solitary confinement.
04. Making red paper hearts, then cut them to pieces with scissors.
05. Solitaire.