Wednesday, October 14, 2009

PSA: The Moon

Have you ever looked longingly up at the moon and marveled at its majestic majesty? The moon and its reflective properties bring feelings of comfort and awe to all who look upon its elegant lunar beauty…but looks can be deceiving.
As has been confirmed by fuzzy handheld video footage time and time again, the moon has unleashed a plague on humanity for decades. Whole herds of livestock and countless humans have fallen victim to the terrors known as werewolves. So feared and horrible are these creatures of myth that we make motion pictures that portray them as ruggedly handsome vampire killing heroes – just so the teenage girls of society can sleep at night.
But now, NASA has a plan to eradicate all werewolf infestations everywhere by attacking them at their weakest point and the source of their mutation, the moon. On Friday, October 9, 2009 NASA rammed an unmanned spacecraft and its sensing satellite into the lunar surface at 6,000 miles per hour. This was simply a training exercise for launching a full scale nuclear assault on our planet’s night light.
Join the cause, send your support to NASA and help us rid the earth of the werewolf once and for all. The moon must be destroyed, only then can we find peace, security and be forever rid of the Twilight Saga.
This has been a Stewart Adams Project Public Service Announcement. To learn more information on NASA’s attempt to blow up the moon, visit the internet.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Love and Atomic Bonding

Relationships can be categorized metaphorically by using the 3 methods of atomic bonding that exist in nature. Sure, it’s extremely geeky and uber science-esque but helpful and factual none-the-less. There is a reason why they call the way humans interact romantically, chemistry.

Atomic Bonding #1 – Covalent Bonding

This is the type of bonding where two or more atoms are brought together by a sharing of their valence electrons. By filling in gaps in their atomic charges, each atom becomes more stable and therefore develops a strong link to the other. One atom’s lack of electrons is balanced out by the other’s abundance of them – the positive and negative charges find equilibrium and both atoms benefit from what could be termed a symbiotic relationship…if only atoms where actually alive. This is an example of a pure, efficient and working relationship. Both individuals are wholly intact and the strengths of each compliment the other to form an intimate oneness and a mutual benefit to both. Neither attempts to change the other, they are simply perfect for each other and were obviously created for that purpose.

Real life examples: …

Atomic Bonding #2 – Ionic Bonding

With Ionic bonding, atoms with strong charges bond with other atoms by gaining and losing their valence electrons. For example, atom #1 has 7 valance electrons and meets up with an atom that has only one. The first atom has a much stronger pull and so it takes the electron from atom #2. By doing this the first atom becomes negatively charged (since it just acquired a negatively charged particle) and consequently, the second becomes positively charged (since it just lost a negatively charged particle). The two opposite charges are then attracted to each other (see basic magnetism) and the bond is complete. In this case, individual A must first change something about individual B, before the attraction can be made. This is often a very painful process and can take years to perfect if two people are stubborn enough. In other cases, a person gladly gives up a part of themselves for the good of the relationship.

Real life examples: 97.45% of all romantic relationships.

Atomic Bonding #3 – Metallic Bonding

Metallic bonding is often referred to a sharing of free electrons in an electron sea. Basically some metals bond to other metals simply because they are there. Often metals are bonded by external means such as hammering and intense heat. This type of bonding occurs when two people are together and there is no one else around. This is why every time a man and woman are stranded on a deserted island together, they always fall in love even if they hate each other in the beginning. Pain and beatings (like fire and hammering) tend to speed this bond and the more persecution there is, the more in love the couple will fall.

Real life examples: Beauty and the Beast, Petruchio and Katherina , Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’hara, Shrek and Fiona, etc.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Mindless Mindless Mindless Repetition

The following is a critical dissection of the pop song “I Gotta Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas. This particular tune is currently being vastly overplayed on Top 40 radio stations across the country and has confirmed beyond all reasonable doubt that song writing and music as an art form have all but vanished into the dark abyss of mindless repetition. Some of the lyrics have been softened so as not to seem crass or offend any of our younger readers, after all this is a family website.

Black Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Feeling”


I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling, woohoo, that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling, woohoo, that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night

V. 1

Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like oh my gosh
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get off

I know that we’ll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just loose it all
I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And losing all control

Fill up my cup
Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again

Let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it
And do it and do it, let’s live it up
And do it and do it and do it, do it, do it
Let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it.


V. 2 – Repeat V. 1, No joke.

V. 3 – Which is really more like a bridge with key and tempo changes so that the listener can hurry up and get back to the meat of the song…the chorus.

Let’s live it up
Lets do it…
Here we come
Here we go
We gotta rock (Rock rock rock rock)
Easy come
Easy go
Now we on top (Top top top top)
Feel the shot
Rock it, don’t stop (Stop stop stop stop) – Um, yes please?
Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock

Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, and Thursday
Friday, Saturday
Saturday to Sunday – Nothing like randomly throwing the days of the week into a song…this is top notch lyric writing, people.

Get get get get get with us
You know what we say
Party every day
Pa-pa-pa-party every day

Chorus (x2)


Just because you put the word ‘good’ in a song 32 hundred times that doesn’t mean the song inherits the meaning of the repeated word.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Real Ultimate Power

Fact: Gila Monsters are awesome, and by awesome I mean ‘totally sweet.’ This blog post is all about REAL GILA MONSTERS. This blog post is awesome. My Name is Stewart and I can’t stop thinking about Gila Monsters. These guys are so cool, and by cool I mean totally sweet.


01. Gila Monsters are reptiles.

02. Gila Monsters fight ALL the time.

03. The purpose of the Gila Monster is to flip out and kill people.

Testimonial: “Gilas can kill anyone they want! Gila Monsters cut people ALL the time and don’t even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this Gila Monster who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the Gila Monster killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a Gila Monster totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.

And that’s what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t believe that Gila Monsters have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will chop your toe off!!! It’s an easy choice, if you ask me.

Gila Monsters are sooooooooooo sweet that I can’t believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that’s a fact. Gila Monsters are fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can’t wait to start yoga next year. I love ninjas with all of my body.”

Q and A:

Q: Why is everyone so obsessed about Gila Monsters?
A: Gila Monsters are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they don’t give a flip, but on the other hand, Gila Monsters are very careful and precise.

Q: I heard that Gila Monsters are always cruel or mean. What’s their problem?
A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other reptiles, Gila Monsters can be mean OR totally awesome.

Q: What do Gila Monsters do when they’re not cutting off toes or flipping out?
A: Most of their free time is spent flying, but sometime they stab. (Ask Mark if you don’t believe me.)


If you see, hear, smell, taste or feel a Gila Monster anywhere near you, run away as fast as you possibly can. You never know what might trigger a Gila Monster to flip out so the best defense against them is to be as far from them as possible…not that it will really matter. Did I mention that Gila Monsters are totally sweet?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Facing The Boss

One day Henry McLeroy decided to go out on a limb. Shaky and unstable, the limb was teetering on the edge of civilized humanitarian interaction and plummeting disaster, destruction and death. Loosening his necktie, Henry stared into his boss's eyes as he reasoned the situation out in his head and attempted to weigh the pros and cons of the decision he had already made, but had not yet implemented. Slowly and methodically, Henry inched his way along the limb, furthering himself from the stability of the safe tree trunk of silence and introvertedness. He knew he was going to do it, yet despite his mental resolve he has not yet taken that leap of faith and gone for it. Sure the risk was tremendous, and even if he accomplished his goal there was no guarantee of success but that did not matter to Henry.

With a long stride Henry stepped out toward the skinny end of the limb and let go completely of the truck, for a moment he balanced there as if weightless, in perfect equilibrium. YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Henry yelled at the top of his lungs til all the air he could hold was depleted. The boss stared at Henry for a second, then all at once the limb Henry stood on shattered into millions of splintering splinters. Henry felt the gravity of his dire situation grab him and yank downward as despair filled his heart. The boss removed a flaming sword from his belt and left Henry's avatar in a smoldering heap at the base of his TV screen. Henry sighed and put down his controller. He would have to fight another day, his mom had the bagel pizza bites ready in the oven.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Rabbit Trails

I was fully prepared for what didn't happen. My focus and attention where moving in harmony with one another as if dancing to a legato waltz in the key of A. As my readiness level reached its maximum I contemplated the existence of a scale for measuring such levels in humans. Clearly there would be outside factors that would affect the scale; adrenaline, bodily functions, external objects or forces, etc. Catching myself, I realized that my thinking about the scale had in turn lowered my attentions to the task at hand by distracting my mind. 

I then added branches to the scale chart in my mind that were meant to represent the rabbit trails of human thought not unlike the one I had just experienced. This further confirmed my idea as I noticed that once again my thoughts had turned away from my goal and toward a mental tangent about mental tangents. Re-focusing my focus I attempted to block all outside stimuli from my brain only to realize that the main source of distraction was in my brain itself. My thoughts visualized a long tunnel I assumed to be a representation of tunnel vision and all the implications therein. If only there was a way for me to generate precise, directed tunnel vision toward the thing which my subconscious knew to be the priority. 

My conscious seemed to be bored with that objective and was resisting with all its might to find something else to dwell on. In that moment I realized that the task I was attempting to perform was not something that I wanted to do, but rather something I needed to do. The distinction came as a stark contrast that was shocking even to me as the truth of the situation became known. Had I just not been being honest with myself? Or had desire to do what I should overshadowed the desire to do what I want? Suddenly, a lady walked in to the classroom and said "Professor Brock is sick at home and will not be coming in. Exam day had been cancelled."

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Labor Day

Next week marks the unofficial end of the Summer as it will be the fist Monday of September also known as Labor Day. You can almost smell the irony when a country decides to celebrate labor by taking a day off. Of course isn't that what labor unions are best at doing anyway? Oh yes, I just went there.

Look at the Major League Baseball Player Union strike that happened a few years back. You had players making millions of dollars per year to play a game, and yet they refuse to work until they get more. The reality is that these players didn't really need the money, they just didn't feel like going to work so the used the strike as a means to get some time off.

The truth about Labor day however is the lesser-known fact that more pregnant women go into labor on Labor day than any other day of the year. There is no real scientific explanation for this phenomenon but it has been confirmed time and time again by statistical observation, verified by millions of women around the planet and generally made up by this blog. The holiday was later named for the labor unions by feminists who felt that having a day devoted to honoring women in labor was degrading and reminded society that women are different from men.

So enjoy your day off and know that you are benefitting from one of the greatest holiday contradictions in calendar history.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Banana Theory

The average person consumes a total of 750 bananas in their lifetime. This statistic may be slightly skewed due to the fact that I have no idea how many bananas the average person consumes in their lifetime. However, in developing this statistic by simply pulling a random number out of the air, I have not made an outright fabrication of the facts. After all, it is 100% plausible that the number I picked is the correct one though it is not very likely since it is only a single number out of the vast, all-encompassing quantity of numbers commonly known as infinity.

But then, we may refine our sample size from infinity to something more manageable by determining how many bananas are produced on the earth in a given year. Obviously, humanity can't eat more bananas than can be grown, so now were dealing with an infinitely smaller pool of possibilities for our average - yet there is still a hang up with developing a useful solution.

What we've run into now is not a question of probability and calculation but rather a lack of man power. It is highly improbable (though not impossible) that every banana on the earth could be accounted for, even if all of humanity devoted itself wholeheartedly to that chief end alone. There are too many places on earth where bananas could hide. Even if we actually accomplished the improbable and found them all, we would never know it because we would have to continually search and question our results. The same would apply to the other variable in this equation; humans. There is no way to monitor the banana eating habits of the entire population of the world and thus no way to establish an average. People have different life spans too, in case you didn't know that.

So, this all leaves us still with the unanswered burning question of how many bananas the average person eats in their lifetime. My guess of 750 is strictly based on a number that popped into my head once I realized that there was no way to measure these statistics with any certainty of their accuracy. There used to be a word for this, it was called a theory. However these days, if I were to present this idea in book form, and the scientific community accepted it as scientific fact; suddenly the fact that I have no empirical, consequential, or anything-else-ical evidence for my claim becomes irrelevant to the point. I am touted as a genius and my idea goes into text books across America so that the next generation can benefit from my superior intellect. Even when I renounce my own claim, citing that it is 'theory based on blind guess' the scientists suddenly do not pay attention.

Fact: Bananas contain high amounts of Potassium (K) and are for all intents and purposes, banana-shaped.

Theory: The average human consumes 750 bananas in their lifetime.

Myth: Banana peels cause people to slip and fall.

In the words of Bill Nye: Science Rules. (not scientists.)

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Moat of Relational Distraction

There is an unyielding, unshakable truth pertaining to relationships whose repeated failure of understanding has led to an extremely high divorce rate. This truth may be summed up by stating that men are inherently bad and women are equally evil. If this were not so, the visualization of the metaphor I am about to present would not exist due to the fact that people would be non-evil and thus unable to perform acts of evil upon those they have relationships with.

Imagine an enormous castle, its siege towers towering and its draw bridge bridging. Its stacked stone design is both intimidating and beautiful with ornate archways and columns littering its overall architecture. The castle is surrounded on all sides by a moat, a ring of watery protection that forces a single entrance via draw bridge only.

Just then we see a young couple walking hand in hand down the pebble path toward the castle. They are obviously in love and in the flower of their youth. The young man is brave and handsome with excellent posture while the beauty of his beloved is unmatched in all the kingdom. The lady's flowing hair glides in the autumn breeze. The couple are on their way to a royal ball and are dressed in the finest of linens.

As the two love birds approach the draw bridge the young man is suddenly enamored by the sight of the moat. It was after all a rather awesome moat, complete with snakes, crocodiles and a beach full of perfect skipping stones. As a means of impressing his fairest love, the man picked up a stone and skipped it off the surface of the water until it found a resting place against the wall of the castle on the other side of the moat. The young woman clapped and cheered for her man's feat of skill which urged the man on to escalate his performance. Soon, the man is singing and dancing whilst throwing rocks at a sleeping crocodile. The woman holds her waist as she laughs to near tears at her love's silly antics.

Boom! In a flash the two people became silent and still as they looked at the now raised draw bridge. They had missed their chance and were now locked out from the royal ball. The young woman's face turned from a smile to a frown, she threw her pointy hat on the ground and pushed the man backwards. Realizing that he is about to fall, the man reached out grasping at anything he can get his hands on. He finds hold on the womans left ear but the pain causes her to give in to his tug and the two people topple into the murky water.

The crocodile that the man had pelted with rocks earlier lurched toward the struggling pair with its jaws snapping. The lovers saw it and immediately started swimming in opposite directions with all haste. The man swum toward the north end of the castle while the woman dog paddled in her dress toward the south end. With each stroke the distance between the two increased until they could no longer see each other due to the curve of the moat. In that moment, the man was yanked under the surface never to be seen again. On the other side of the castle a second crocodile that had not been part of the initial escape calculations overtook the young woman. Her satin slipper is all that was ever found.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Henry Peterman sat on his mother's kitchen stool all alone. His chubby fingers clutching at the cushioned seat and his feet dangling in legato movements though the small volume of atmosphere he was currently inhabiting. Shut out from the world and everything around him, Henry was not even conscious of the loud siren blaring in the distance down the street from his house let along the maelstrom of violence his moving legs were imposing on the Oxygen and Nitrogen molecules that surrounded him.

If Henry's mind could be photographed at this moment, we would see pure blackness contrasted only by a rectangle of colors and light at the center of the frame. Each subsequent photo taken would be exactly the same in that respect and yet different somehow as though the contents of the quadrilateral shape were in motion. Accompanying this image would be the sound of a low whirr and an unending gargle of bubbles garnished with the gentle flow of water.

Henry had no concept of time in this state and was completely unaware that he had been in this trance for over 3 hours. All at once Henry was rushed back to reality as his mother walked through the door. All the blackness in his mind was quickly replaced by the walls of the kitchen and his feet found the floor as he slid off the bar stool. Turning around still slightly shocked from the travel between realities, Henry looked at his mother. "Henry" she said. "Come away from the aquarium and help me carry in the groceries." Henry obeyed without a word and walked out to the car. Just then, something in the glass fish tank caught Mrs. Peterman's eye. Leaning in to get a better look she let out a shrill scream that Henry heard from the garage. Running to aid her, Henry found Mrs. Peterman lying on the kitchen floor soaked with aquarium water and surrounded by blue pebbles, plastic plants, and hundreds of perfectly cut 1/2 inch squares of glass. The 24 pet fish were nowhere to be found.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Die It.

Lets face it. Food is good. Though there are a few particular food products that do not appeal to me personally, on the whole, food is generally a pleasure to partake of. I've never met a human who didn't enjoy some type of food at some point in their lifetime (<- not a plug for the cable channel). Because we as people have determined that we like food, it has created an enormous market with an unending supply of demand (see what I did there?). The more people eat, the more our supply is used up and therefore our demand for food increases as a direct result of food becoming more scarce...because we ate it.

Food is like entertainment, it isn't necessary to sustain life but does bring enjoyment and happiness to a person. Sure, it's easier and cheaper to just have everyone eating their meals through an I.V. you could control obesity and make sure that everyone got the nutrients that their body needs. Productivity would increase since everyone would have at least an extra 3 hours a day (more for chefs and housewives) that they aren't spending to sit down and eat or prepare food. Animal rights organizations such as PETA would have to do extreme downsizing if not shut down completely. Hunting would become a civil duty to keep animal populations down and everyones teeth would be much healthier. Homeless people would never go hungry since the government will be able to supply everyone with I.V.s using all the money they save from not paying for food. As a result of not eating food, peoples' other senses would become more acute and powerful to compensate for losing the sense of taste. We'd be able to see better, smell better, touch/feel better, and hear better. Kitchens would become unneeded as would expensive appliances and cooking equipment, every house in America would suddenly have an extra room.

Actually, this is starting to sound pretty good

Eliminate food and you eliminate poverty, sickness, and the need for taste buds. This new I.V. diet will be called The Carpe Seizure Cool People Eating Habit of Awesomeness and Strength or the IV Diet for short. The only downside is that billions of jobs would be lost and if you woke up in the middle of the night craving a ham and cheese sandwich, tough luck. I can live with that.