July 4th 2012 San Diego Fireworks Fail

2012 Fireworks Show "Big Bay Boom" on San Diego Bay. Technical errors caused 15 minutes worth of explosions to take place within 15 seconds.

Labor Day

Next week marks the unofficial end of the Summer as it will be the fist Monday of September also known as Labor Day. You can almost smell the irony when a country decides to celebrate labor by taking a day off. Of course isn't that what labor unions are best at doing anyway? Oh yes, I just went there.

Look at the Major League Baseball Player Union strike that happened a few years back. You had players making millions of dollars per year to play a game, and yet they refuse to work until they get more. The reality is that these players didn't really need the money, they just didn't feel like going to work so the used the strike as a means to get some time off.

The truth about Labor day however is the lesser-known fact that more pregnant women go into labor on Labor day than any other day of the year. There is no real scientific explanation for this phenomenon but it has been confirmed time and time again by statistical observation, verified by millions of women around the planet and generally made up by this blog. The holiday was later named for the labor unions by feminists who felt that having a day devoted to honoring women in labor was degrading and reminded society that women are different from men.

So enjoy your day off and know that you are benefitting from one of the greatest holiday contradictions in calendar history.

Independence Day 2008

This Friday marks the 231st birthday of the Untied States of America and to celebrate this occasion I will provide a brief time line of the dates and events that have made this country what is is today. May we never forget the past so as not to make the same mistakes in the future.

1763 – British military officers sang “Yankee Doodle Dandy” to shame the disheveled, disorganized colonial “Yankees” in the French and Indian War. This backfired however when colonists sang it in mockery after defeating the Lobster backs in the US revolution. The song was used once again by confederate soldiers during the war of northern aggression.

July 3, 1776 – The draft of the Declaration of Independence was finished.

July 4, 1776 – The Declaration was adopted and signed by the Second Continental Congress as well as Forest Gump’s Great Great Grandfather…Woodedglenn Gump. The names Woody and Glenn were derived from his first name as a way to honor his memory – the name Woodedglenn was retired in the same manner a basketball jersey might be.

1776-1783 – The British invade the newly independent U.S. but are thwarted by Mel Gibson and his tomahawk throwing skills. The french eventually show up after most of the fighting is over and attempt to take credit for defeat of Charles Cornwallis at Yorktown (aka Old York).

December 25, 1896 – John Philip Sousa composed “Stars and Stripes Forever” which later became the official march of the USA and required memorization in high school band rehearsals everywhere. The march had the power to inject strong emotion in those who heard it therefore paving the way for Rock ‘N Roll.

July 4, 1996 – As President, Bill Pullman recruits the talents of a drunk crop duster to fight against the threat of extermination imposed by an unnamed alien fleet that has invaded earth and is destroying her cities.

November 19, 2004 – The Declaration of Independence was stolen by Nicholas Cage using the surname Benjamin Gates in an expansive government conspiracy to prove that the free masons did more than just play bingo and drink beer.

As you can see, we as Americans have a rich heritage of violence, theft, and loud noises. Be an American this July 4 and celebrate by blowing stuff up with fire and creating booming sounds that jolt the continental shelf.

Best and Worst Mothers

In the spirit of last Sunday’s Mother’s Day, I bring you some of the Best and Worst Mothers in History…not in any particular order other than Worst first, Best last.

Worst Mothers

- The Mother Bird from Are you my mother?

This one makes our list for obvious reasons, what kind of deadbeat mom leaves their child in a straw basket 100 feet above the ground for hours on end? This poor fellow had time to walk the entire country side in search of his mother – who is also apparently deaf because she heard not one of his woeful cries. If not for a kind and generous ‘Snort,’ there is no telling what this mother’s irresponsible behavior might have led to.

- Bertier’s Momma from Remember the Titans

Once Gary Bertier stepped onto that bus, he didn’t have no Momma no more…he’s got his brothers on the team, and he’s got his Daddy, and we all know who is Daddy is don’t we? She was there watching her son be torn away from her and yet she did nothing. Also, Bertier’s Momma is rumored to go out on the town with High School jocks and have a hairy back.

- Wendy from PeterPan

So Wendy flies in to Neverland to find the band of lost boys who were getting along just fine. Rather than contributing anything useful to this rag-tag community, Wendy shakes up the established social equilibrium and informs the lost boys that they have to have a mother in order to…something. Anyway, so Wendy promises to be the mother these boys have never had. She sings them to sleep and tucks them into bed then without so much as a home-cooked meal flies away to London never to see them again.

- Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web

Charlotte is a spider who lays hundreds of eggs then places them all in one basket, first mistake. Charlotte then abandons her unhatched young by dying, third mistake. Charlotte’s second mistake was that before she died she left her eggs in the care of a dirty, spoiled pig. The results of said action are catastrophic…Wilbur the pig transports the baby spiders in his mouth which is obviously not the safest or most sterile environment. Once the eggs hatch, Wilbur allows the spider babies to parasail into the wind within moments of being born. Charlotte won’t be winning mother of the year anytime soon.

- Coral the Clownfish from Finding Nemo

Coral is Marlin’s Clownfish wife who has just laid hundreds of eggs in their new home on a reef. When a mean old barracuda comes along, Coral is told by Marlin to keep still and that the kids will be fine. Coral, instead of heeding her fishy husband’s advice (or ahem, command), bolts toward the eggs and provokes the predator to attack. The end result is Coral’s own death, Marlin being knocked out and all but one of the kids being eaten. It is also quite possible that the ordeal caused injury to the remaining egg while the embryo was developing which is why Nemo has a gimpy fin. Thus, the whole plot of Finding Nemo would not have happened if Coral hadn’t snapped.

Best Mothers

- Mother Teresa

She was such a good Mother that they named her after it. She also did some humanitarianistic acts or something.

- Norman Bates from Psycho

Norman Bates’ mother was so good to her son that she stuck around after her death to keep an eye on him and make sure that he always believed that a boy’s best friend is his mother. Taking up residence in half of Norman’s mind…Mother became the son but then took over, so now there is only mother.

- Alien Queen from Aliens

The Alien Queen is the definition of what a dedicated mother should be. When her eggs are destroyed via grenade and flame thrower, she gives chase relentlessly to the point of near insanity to avenge her slain young. When the compound is imploding around her she uses her keen wits to grab onto the outside of passing space shuttle and continue the fight on the mother ship. Once there she does some damage and is eventually spaced due to the evils of robotic mechanized forklift suit technology. She is indeed a great mother to her charred alien kids…