April Fools

As you can see from the time stamp on this post, today is April 2nd. By all known methods of mathematical reasoning and social standards for our calender, one would conclude that the day which preceded this one was in fact April the 1st. Such a conclusion would be 100% accurate but at the same time would fall short of what is to be considered as “the whole truth.” April 1st is not only the last day of the Assyrian New Year celebration (as everyone knows), but is also a time for outlandish shenanigans and prankification known to the modern world as April Fools’ Day.

The purpose of April Fools’ is of course to make one’s self esteem maintain the illusion of superiority over our fellow man by pulling hilarious practical jokes on them and therefore making the victim appear foolish while the instigator is rewarded with the appearance of genius. In other words, April Fools’ Day grants everyone free rein to spread lies and deceit without any ramifications or consequences simply because “it’s April Fools.” With that being said, I pose the question; “What are the rules of April Fools’?” (That rhymed, unintentional).

Rule #1: Don’t kill anyone or indirectly cause the death of a live human being.

Rule #2: Don’t taint the area water supply with a microscopic metal-eating organism.

Rule #3: It’s okay to put a rubber band around the trigger of the retractable sprayer on the kitchen sink as long as it does not violate the first rule.

Rule #4: Hiding all your Dad’s tools in the tank of the toilet probably isn’t a good idea.

Rule #5: Switching the salt with sugar and the sugar with salt is old and overused, instead, switch both of them with granulated cauliflower, again as long as it does not violate rule #1.

Rule #6: Putting peanut butter under the door handle of someone’s car then video taping them while they go to open the door is an excellent way to win friends and influence people.

Rule #7: Don’t tell people you’ve been diagnosed with stomach cancer.

Follow these rules (which are really more like guidelines) and you are 110% guaranteed to have a fun and enjoyable April Fools’ Day or your money back.