Internet Etiquette

When we were all little kids we experienced the transition between babyhood (which includes infancy, toddlerness) into that phase of actually becoming a humanoid member of society. By this time our skills have increased greatly as we now know how to walk, talk and control our bodily functions…or at least some of us do. Having now reached this benchmark in our social and personal development, we begin to take on more and more responsibility in our place of residence. We are now required to use those walking skills to carry our dinner plates to the counter, use our new communication skills to say “Please” and “Thank you,” and can no longer get away with burping and spitting up after every meal…that is, unless your mom served Mr. Pibb at every meal – then it’s understandable.

If you’re like most kids at this age, you seem to be consumed by curiosity and the ‘wonder of it all.’ This manifests itself in a variety of ways such as the time when you first learned why you’re not supposed to touch a hot stove no matter how pretty it is, or when you first decided to eat dirt. In addition to the violent, dangerous and just outright gross things…we are also curious in regard to the regular day to day things we see our parents doing everyday on a day to day basis. At that age, no matter who we are, Daddy and Mommy are our heroes and we try to emulate everything they do in order to carbon copy their hero-esque qualities onto our own sense of being. So it is bound to happen that on some random day, the telephone happens to be sitting near you when it rings. Instinctively, you pick the phone up and answer it just as you’ve seen your mom do – “hewwo?” Then suddenly someone is talking to you, in rapid bursts of language they ask lots of questions yet there’s no one in the room. Dazed and confused you lock up and don’t speak another word, eventually setting the phone down while the voice continues jabbering. An hour or so later your Mom realizes that the phone has been off the hook and that call she was expecting has come and gone…several times. At this point your Mother decides to teach you telephone etiquette which entails how to speak clearing into the handset, take messages, leave messages and above all, say “Sir” and “Ma’am” based on our ability to recognize a person’s gender by their voice alone.

I say all this just to bring up the point of today’s modern communication medium, particularly online chat and email. It seems that the etiquette and respect we were taught to use when talking on the phone has not translated into the new medium, at all. I understand this could be because e-comm is still very young and standards for what is acceptable have not yet been determined. But it is also entirely possible that mass humanity has become less courteous in the realm of online correspondence due to the downward spiral of societal ‘giving a flip.’ So in order to help us remember what our Mom’s taught us about the telephone and apply it to email and instant messaging, I have complied a list of internet etiquette guidelines (which are really more like hard and fast rules of code and anyone found not abiding by them will be subject to the pangs of torture and humiliation) and general good advice when totting about the inter-web.

01. Use a real language, with proper grammar, punctuation and capitalization.
02. Use a language that the receiver understands.
03. When instant messaging, always provide links rather than saying “go check out this article in this section of the such and such website,” That statement tells the receiver nothing except that you don’t know how to use hyperlinks.
04. When forwarding a message, always delete all the previous email transaction text at the top of the page. Forwards get a bad rap because it takes 10 minutes to dig through and find whatever it is you actually wanted to send me.
05. ‘Reply to All’ is not always appropriate…there are some things I don’t want to know.
06. All caps and red text are to be used sparingly; basically only if you are selling something or are really angry.
07. One exclamation point is sufficient!! Trust me! You don’t! have to make people think you’re wired on caffeine all the time!!!!
08. Abbreviations are acceptable as long as they are not over used and as long as you’re not lying in using them…when has anyone ever actually been Rolling On The Floor Laughing?
09. Make good use of blind carbon copying, it allows your friends to spy on your correspondence without the recipient knowing about it.
10. There is no real winner in a poking war…
11. Humans who only use dial-up are people too.
12. Chatting via mobile merits the user at least 10% more forgiveness to misspellings and grammatical errors.
13. Just because you get an email with “I love you” in the subject line and an attachment that is an .exe file named ‘I’m a dangerous virus bent on devouring and corrupting your computer’s saved data and vital systems” doesn’t mean you’ve received a virus.
14. It is possible for Spammers to lie, just because you receive a message with the subject line: “Angelina Jolie dies in miscarriage” or “Police open fire on elderly in Iowa, want better pay” you aren’t required to open it.

Try these out and let me know how it goes…if you have more to add to the list please include them in the comments section.

Habitual Creatures of Habit

Sometimes in life we sit wondering what will happen next. These wonderings often are derived from life changing decisions such as whether or not to adopt seven Korean children. But our minds are also affected by the mundane snap decisions that we don’t even consciously think about, such as what letter will start your next sentence. In many ways, these rushed choices made while we’re ‘thinking on our feet’ tell us more about ourselves than the huge major important ones. What we do and how we behave under pressure reveals the inner ‘we’ even if it’s a simple matter of deciding between paper or plastic at the grocery store.
Imagine if you will that you are standing in line to order at a fast food restaurant and there is a line of about 30 grumbling construction workers behind you when you step up to order. In this case your mind tells you that you need to hurry up because they’ve already been waiting for 15 minutes. In the rush of it all, you make a quick decision about what you want to eat without even considering if that’s what you really want to eat. So the question is, why is it that we don’t find ourselves constantly sitting down with our food and thinking “why did I order this?” The answer is we are habitual creatures of habit.

In most cases, you have eaten at the same restaurant before and have ordered the same meal before. So by forming a habit, we as humans can remove the thinking process in order to simplify our lives. In this way, we are spared the risk of making bad decisions because we’ve already thought them out and found success with them in the past. We simply repeated the same “good” decision over and over again and thus a habit is formed. Why fix what isn’t broken, right?

Well, there are also some negative sides to this habit thing. First of all, it retards exercise of the human thought process. Sure, it’s nice to not have to think about anything, but what is the overall affect on society? Are we systematically training ourselves to become dumber? Secondly, the incessant habit former stifles creativity by constantly doing the same things. Sure, deviating from the status quo is unfamiliar and scary but being creative requires us to take those risks and very often the rewards are infinite.

So be creative and break a habit this week, variety is the spice of life…so spice it up! Post your death-to-monotony stories in the comments section.

Fantasy World

We as humanoids have always had an aspect of imagination in our minds’ eye that both dwells on and longs for all things contained within the realm of the fantastic, much like this sentence. We are ever striving to create a world of our own fashioning wherein we can sculpt and manipulate everything in it however we wish. This inner desire shared by humans could be explained by our inherent selfishness and humanistic perspective that fancies us as gods. Or it could simply be an outlet for creativity with which we entertain ourselves and others by mentally breaching the boundaries of the possible to explore that which is impossible.

So what would my fantasy world look like? In many ways it would be very similar to our own world and our time with a few hundred subtle differences. I won’t take the time to mention all of them but will attempt to sum up the overall feel of the world that is planet Stewart.

01. Dinosaurs would still be alive and would be hunted like deer, ridden like horses, and put in captivity in zoos.
02. Mosquitoes would be the size of basketballs and would be hunted to near extinction and no one would pity them.
03. Trees would always grow with convenient limb placement for easy climbing as well as universal cup holders.
04. Mr. Pibb would still exist but only to showcase the supreme might of Dr Pepper, no one would actually drink it.
05. I would be able to fly.
06. Lightsabers and assault rifles would be the customary 8th birthday present.
07. Instead of $1 per tooth, the tooth fairy is more like a tooth dragon and gives kids bags of loose diamonds that come out its nose.
08. Texas would have a purpose.
09. Pizza plants would be grown as the main crop in Australia.
10. Ligers would be bred for their skills in magic.
11. At any given moment, the world as we see it could be changed to an 8-bit graphical interface with 8-bit internal PC speaker sound. We could then throw fire boogers at each other after eating a magical flower.
12. Frisbee golf discs would have homing devices.
13. The Atlanta Braves would only have 15 players on the disabled list…I know, impossible right?

So there you have it, just a few things I would want in the fantastic land I created …in my mind. Would you want to live there? What are your own fantasy worlds be like?

Independence Day 2008

This Friday marks the 231st birthday of the Untied States of America and to celebrate this occasion I will provide a brief time line of the dates and events that have made this country what is is today. May we never forget the past so as not to make the same mistakes in the future.

1763 – British military officers sang “Yankee Doodle Dandy” to shame the disheveled, disorganized colonial “Yankees” in the French and Indian War. This backfired however when colonists sang it in mockery after defeating the Lobster backs in the US revolution. The song was used once again by confederate soldiers during the war of northern aggression.

July 3, 1776 – The draft of the Declaration of Independence was finished.

July 4, 1776 – The Declaration was adopted and signed by the Second Continental Congress as well as Forest Gump’s Great Great Grandfather…Woodedglenn Gump. The names Woody and Glenn were derived from his first name as a way to honor his memory – the name Woodedglenn was retired in the same manner a basketball jersey might be.

1776-1783 – The British invade the newly independent U.S. but are thwarted by Mel Gibson and his tomahawk throwing skills. The french eventually show up after most of the fighting is over and attempt to take credit for defeat of Charles Cornwallis at Yorktown (aka Old York).

December 25, 1896 – John Philip Sousa composed “Stars and Stripes Forever” which later became the official march of the USA and required memorization in high school band rehearsals everywhere. The march had the power to inject strong emotion in those who heard it therefore paving the way for Rock ‘N Roll.

July 4, 1996 – As President, Bill Pullman recruits the talents of a drunk crop duster to fight against the threat of extermination imposed by an unnamed alien fleet that has invaded earth and is destroying her cities.

November 19, 2004 – The Declaration of Independence was stolen by Nicholas Cage using the surname Benjamin Gates in an expansive government conspiracy to prove that the free masons did more than just play bingo and drink beer.

As you can see, we as Americans have a rich heritage of violence, theft, and loud noises. Be an American this July 4 and celebrate by blowing stuff up with fire and creating booming sounds that jolt the continental shelf.

Mono v. Mono

Throughout our lives there are specific battles that each of us participate in as both a means of self defense as well as out right preemptive violent aggression. These battles are hard-fought epic scale smack down sessions that typically result in both parties being permanently scarred and mangled with the loser either being utterly destroyed or put into a vegetative state until the sequel. In some cases, the villain finds redemption and thus avoids destruction when out-matched by the hero. Conversely, when the hero becomes the loser, he may defect his heroism and accept villainy in order to be spared the aforementioned destruction. In these cases, the villain usually destroys the hero anyway because he’s pure evil and relishes the fact that the hero compromised everything he’d been fighting for, for nothing.

So who are these heroes and villains? As a means of example, I will list some of the greatest most epic mono v. mono fighting match ups in history – you will have to decide who the heroes and villains are and who the winners and losers are.

01. Scorpion vs. Tarantula
02. Godzilla vs. King Kong
03. Bottle-nosed Dolphin vs. Great White Shark
04. Louis Pasteur vs. Rabies
05. Mario vs. Sonic
06. Seth Green vs. Chris Crocker
07. Thomas Edison vs. Darkness
08. Dunder-Mifflin vs. Trees
09. Norman Bates vs. Norman Bates
10. King Cobra vs. Mongoose
11. Henry Ford vs. Horses
12. Johnny Storm vs. Bobby Drake
13. Alexander Graham Bell vs. Carrier Pigeons
14. Charmander vs. Squirtle
15. Paper vs. Plastic
16. Captain Planet vs. Halliburton

Epic battles indeed, but not all wars have such pomp and circus-dance…we all have personal wars that we struggle with, sometimes on a daily basis. For me, it seems it will always be Stewart vs. Mr. Pibb until that fateful day when Dr. Pepper reigns supreme over the entire carbonated beverage universe. Until such time, I will press on – taking the punches as they come and fighting back with all the passion and angst I can muster.

Tips on Tips

In today’s culture it has become normal for human beings to be expected…nay, required to pay a tip to restaurant servers in addition to the cost of the meal regardless of their performance in executing their services.

The word ‘Gratuity’ is cited on Dictionary.com as meaning:

1. A gift of money, over and above payment due for service, as to a waiter or bellhop; tip.
2. Something given without claim or demand.

Isn’t it interesting to know that when “gratuity” is added to the check because of the size of your group, it immediately ceases to be gratuity? Rather it becomes a “you require a larger table” tax, but restaurants misuse the former because it sounds nicer. From a customer’s stand point they are bringing business to the eatery by inviting their friends who will no doubt all buy something…yet, rather than a group discount we receive an overpopulation tax by being required to pay a predetermined tip regardless of the quality of service.

Now, what merits a legitimate tip then? If a server is polite, doesn’t interrupt, keeps everyone’s glasses full, keeps the all-you-can-eat dishes coming, brings the food quickly, as ordered and hot, always gives correct change, doesn’t ramble on about nobody knows what….then he or she is likely deserving of a tip. Remember, tips are over and above and are a means of rewarding hard work – if a server does a good job, you should tip them…but only then. If the service is bad and they are tipped anyway, what motivation do they have to do better next time? It’s like every aspect of our society’s tipping philosophy is about rewarding mediocrity and getting free hand outs without earning them. This not only destroys people’s drive to excel but also creates a dependence on hand-outs.

So, what if it’s not the server’s fault such as when a cook is being slow or not thorough? I see the two as one in the same. The server still represents the restaurant and if they are missing out on tips because of the cook, they should take it up with management. If the server gets tipped anyway because “it’s not their fault” then the status quo is maintained and the cook will continue to be slow or un-thorough the next time you come to eat there.

I hear this argument a lot: “servers can’t make ends meat on the minimum wage that the restaurant pays and they rely on tips for their livelihood.” Obviously restaurants have realized that many people tip regardless of service so they can get away with paying servers as little as possible. The truth is, no one forced you to take the job and no one is forcing you to stay at the job. If you can’t live off what you’re paid get a new job or lower your cost of living. This goes for any realm of employment not just food services. If people would stop tipping for no reason, servers would require more money and the restaurants will have to pay whatever the market will bear. As long as we the customer pay the stupidity tax, restaurants will let us fit the bill.

Now what about gratuity amounts? Social standards are to tip 10%-25% of whatever your bill was…What kind of messed up system is that? Using percentages? “Hmm, let’s look at the menu…hamburger $9.95……ribs $19.95….both come on one plate…both require one trip from the kitchen to my table – the server does the exact same amount of work regardless of what I order…yet, if I get the ribs I will pay twice the amount of gratuity than if I get the hamburger…” As you can see from this scenario, using percentages is a ridiculous way to calculate tips. If anything the higher my bill is, the better my discount should be because I am bringing much more business to the restaurant. So what should be done then? If you ask me, the standard for tips should be determined on a case by case, dollar by dollar basis determined solely by the customer’s overall experience in the subject establishment.

From an internal point of view, many restaurants require their servers to pool their tips and divide them equally among the other servers. The thinking behind this was to make it fair for those who may not have gotten a table with as many people or just not as high a tab. Again, here we go with rewarding mediocre service by allowing servers to slack off and let one of their fellow servers make their tips for them. If I do a really great job serving and get a really nice tip, I deserve that tip because I earned it and it shouldn’t be taken from me and given to a server who didn’t do such a great job. In the same way, if I have a great experience and the service is amazing, I want my tip to go to the person who served me and created that experience by going over and above the status quo. Sharing tips is simply practical communism masked in the disguise of fairness.

Where does it end? If gratuity is to be expected, then it is no longer gratuity. Will corporations start paying their computer programmers next to nothing and let the software consumers cover the rest of their payroll by tipping? This may sound ridiculous but that’s not to say that it could never happen. If people like you and me are willing to pay “over and above” for services that are “under and below” there’s no telling what else we might pay for.

In closing, I am not saying you should never tip…quite the contrary, tip as often as you can. There are many servers who are great at what they do and work hard to earn that reward and I don’t want to take anything away from those people. Give gratuity where gratuity is due and not where it is unwarranted. If you received crappy service, the server should expect to be compensated accordingly and hopefully they will strive to improve should you ever come back to their restaurant.

Don't Thank You Notes

Anyone who has graduated or been married understands the pain and agony of writing so-called ‘Thank You’ notes. On its surface the idea of a Thank You note is perfectly harmless and is in fact a very polite gesture afforded to the giver, having been the recipient of their selfless generosity. My qualm with these notes of appreciation is introduced as a reaction to the idea that Thank You notes are something to be expected and anticipated by the gift giver. I have actually had people ask me why they did not receive a Thank You note for a particular gift – the cold hard truth is that I didn’t write one, plain and simple.

It isn’t that I was not grateful for the gift, I almost always thank the giver in person because it is much more personal this way and not carbon copied and signed out of fake gratitude because it is required…yet, this somehow isn’t enough. It seems that these people need something tangible that they can hold in their hands, read once, and throw away. In reality, thank you notes are really just a form of Indian giving…giving a gift and expecting something in return, in this case it is a frilly piece of folded card stock with some scribbled ink on it. Why can’t we just give someone a gift and be done with it? If they then choose to write a thank you note, so be it. But doesn’t the fact that it is required or expected take away the significance of the gesture?

Many people use the requesting of a thank you note as a front for making sure that the intended recipient actually received the gift. The only instance I can think of where this would apply is if the gift was mailed. If you went to the wedding/graduation then it’s the same as hand delivering the gift and you can be 99.9% certain that the right person got the gift, with those odds you have no business suspecting that the gift "got lost on the gift table." However, even if the gift was mailed…how hard is it to call the person on the phone and ask if they received it? The receiver may then thank you vocally and not have to worry about the time and money that goes into writing and mailing an actual note.

So what is the solution? Gift recipients are between a rock and a hard place as they try to express their gratefulness but also not waste time and money on meaningless thank you notes. I propose that from now on, the giver is responsible for giving a true gift…in addition to whatever the gift is, also give the recipient freedom from the bonds of thank you note writing. Include a piece of paper with the gift explaining that you do not want a thank you note. Better yet, include a pre-written note with a stamped envelope with the gift that can easily be dropped in the mailbox with little or no effort. This way the gift receiver will have a clear conscience having met the requirement of writing you a thank you note and the gift giver can get a tangible thank you note with whatever self centered boastful flattery they wish because they wrote it themselves.