Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Moat of Relational Distraction

There is an unyielding, unshakable truth pertaining to relationships whose repeated failure of understanding has led to an extremely high divorce rate. This truth may be summed up by stating that men are inherently bad and women are equally evil. If this were not so, the visualization of the metaphor I am about to present would not exist due to the fact that people would be non-evil and thus unable to perform acts of evil upon those they have relationships with.

Imagine an enormous castle, its siege towers towering and its draw bridge bridging. Its stacked stone design is both intimidating and beautiful with ornate archways and columns littering its overall architecture. The castle is surrounded on all sides by a moat, a ring of watery protection that forces a single entrance via draw bridge only.

Just then we see a young couple walking hand in hand down the pebble path toward the castle. They are obviously in love and in the flower of their youth. The young man is brave and handsome with excellent posture while the beauty of his beloved is unmatched in all the kingdom. The lady's flowing hair glides in the autumn breeze. The couple are on their way to a royal ball and are dressed in the finest of linens.

As the two love birds approach the draw bridge the young man is suddenly enamored by the sight of the moat. It was after all a rather awesome moat, complete with snakes, crocodiles and a beach full of perfect skipping stones. As a means of impressing his fairest love, the man picked up a stone and skipped it off the surface of the water until it found a resting place against the wall of the castle on the other side of the moat. The young woman clapped and cheered for her man's feat of skill which urged the man on to escalate his performance. Soon, the man is singing and dancing whilst throwing rocks at a sleeping crocodile. The woman holds her waist as she laughs to near tears at her love's silly antics.

Boom! In a flash the two people became silent and still as they looked at the now raised draw bridge. They had missed their chance and were now locked out from the royal ball. The young woman's face turned from a smile to a frown, she threw her pointy hat on the ground and pushed the man backwards. Realizing that he is about to fall, the man reached out grasping at anything he can get his hands on. He finds hold on the womans left ear but the pain causes her to give in to his tug and the two people topple into the murky water.

The crocodile that the man had pelted with rocks earlier lurched toward the struggling pair with its jaws snapping. The lovers saw it and immediately started swimming in opposite directions with all haste. The man swum toward the north end of the castle while the woman dog paddled in her dress toward the south end. With each stroke the distance between the two increased until they could no longer see each other due to the curve of the moat. In that moment, the man was yanked under the surface never to be seen again. On the other side of the castle a second crocodile that had not been part of the initial escape calculations overtook the young woman. Her satin slipper is all that was ever found.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Henry Peterman sat on his mother's kitchen stool all alone. His chubby fingers clutching at the cushioned seat and his feet dangling in legato movements though the small volume of atmosphere he was currently inhabiting. Shut out from the world and everything around him, Henry was not even conscious of the loud siren blaring in the distance down the street from his house let along the maelstrom of violence his moving legs were imposing on the Oxygen and Nitrogen molecules that surrounded him.

If Henry's mind could be photographed at this moment, we would see pure blackness contrasted only by a rectangle of colors and light at the center of the frame. Each subsequent photo taken would be exactly the same in that respect and yet different somehow as though the contents of the quadrilateral shape were in motion. Accompanying this image would be the sound of a low whirr and an unending gargle of bubbles garnished with the gentle flow of water.

Henry had no concept of time in this state and was completely unaware that he had been in this trance for over 3 hours. All at once Henry was rushed back to reality as his mother walked through the door. All the blackness in his mind was quickly replaced by the walls of the kitchen and his feet found the floor as he slid off the bar stool. Turning around still slightly shocked from the travel between realities, Henry looked at his mother. "Henry" she said. "Come away from the aquarium and help me carry in the groceries." Henry obeyed without a word and walked out to the car. Just then, something in the glass fish tank caught Mrs. Peterman's eye. Leaning in to get a better look she let out a shrill scream that Henry heard from the garage. Running to aid her, Henry found Mrs. Peterman lying on the kitchen floor soaked with aquarium water and surrounded by blue pebbles, plastic plants, and hundreds of perfectly cut 1/2 inch squares of glass. The 24 pet fish were nowhere to be found.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Die It.

Lets face it. Food is good. Though there are a few particular food products that do not appeal to me personally, on the whole, food is generally a pleasure to partake of. I've never met a human who didn't enjoy some type of food at some point in their lifetime (<- not a plug for the cable channel). Because we as people have determined that we like food, it has created an enormous market with an unending supply of demand (see what I did there?). The more people eat, the more our supply is used up and therefore our demand for food increases as a direct result of food becoming more scarce...because we ate it.

Food is like entertainment, it isn't necessary to sustain life but does bring enjoyment and happiness to a person. Sure, it's easier and cheaper to just have everyone eating their meals through an I.V. you could control obesity and make sure that everyone got the nutrients that their body needs. Productivity would increase since everyone would have at least an extra 3 hours a day (more for chefs and housewives) that they aren't spending to sit down and eat or prepare food. Animal rights organizations such as PETA would have to do extreme downsizing if not shut down completely. Hunting would become a civil duty to keep animal populations down and everyones teeth would be much healthier. Homeless people would never go hungry since the government will be able to supply everyone with I.V.s using all the money they save from not paying for food. As a result of not eating food, peoples' other senses would become more acute and powerful to compensate for losing the sense of taste. We'd be able to see better, smell better, touch/feel better, and hear better. Kitchens would become unneeded as would expensive appliances and cooking equipment, every house in America would suddenly have an extra room.

Actually, this is starting to sound pretty good

Eliminate food and you eliminate poverty, sickness, and the need for taste buds. This new I.V. diet will be called The Carpe Seizure Cool People Eating Habit of Awesomeness and Strength or the IV Diet for short. The only downside is that billions of jobs would be lost and if you woke up in the middle of the night craving a ham and cheese sandwich, tough luck. I can live with that.